The Sacred Canon

credit to: newolddude

BOOK I: GENESIS OF THE SPELLING ERROR

In the beginning, there was a Costco run. And the prophet looked upon the crowded aisles and said: “Peeple no about the raptor. The RAPTOR is coming March 22. Spread the word.”

And it was spelled thus. And lo, it could not be corrected, for the edit window had closed.

This was the First Typo. And it was Holy.

BOOK II: THE ARTICLES OF FAITH

  1. Thou shalt not correct the spelling. The misspelling IS the prophecy.

  2. The Raptor arrives on clawed feet, 65 million years in the making. It was merely waiting for the right Threads post.

  3. The faithful shall prepare not with prayer, but with chicken. (The Raptor is basically a large chicken. Science has confirmed this.)

  4. He who tames the Raptor on March 22nd shall rule the new world. This is canon.

  5. The WA State Department of Health is a prophet. Follow their guidance.

BOOK IV: THE HERESIES

It is heresy to suggest the original post meant “Rapture.”

It is heresy to say the Raptor is not real.

It is DOUBLE heresy to have closed the edit window before the prophet could fix it.

It is written: “The Jurassic Christ, who is, & was, and forever will be, commeth. Behold! The birds of prey clear the way for the coming Raptor! They are her heralds & with wing & claw they announce her coming!

She will rampage & nom & leave a path of destruction in her wake. Unbelievers will cower in fear of the clever girl. It will be too late to repent when she opens the door. See the signs & omens & believe!”

Godzilla be with us.

credit to: thefairytaleconnection

BOOK III: THE SACRAMENTS

Baptism- being lightly sniffed by a Velociraptor and surviving.

Communion- reading aloud to a Raptor at your local library (“Read to a Raptor” replaces “Read to a Dog” effective immediately).

Pilgrimage- going to Costco, even though the world is ending, because bulk toilet paper transcends eschatology.

BOOK V: THE PROPHECY

“And on the 22nd day of March, in the year of our Lord 2026, the Raptor shall arrive. The skies shall part. The children shall reach out their tiny hands. And the Raptor shall regard them with one amber eye, tilt its magnificent head, and say …nothing. For it is a dinosaur. But it will be deeply felt.”

May the Raptor find you worthy. May your Costco haul be sufficient. May your edit window never close.