Yay, though I walk through the produce department of Costco, I shall fear no evil, for the Raptor is with me. ~ DinoPsalm 23:4

credit to: micheleegwynn

Excerpts from the Book of Revelatalons On the Coming of the Raptor

... But the Raptor shall return. Though none shall know the day, except for the Raptor's only prophet, who shall reveal that the day is March 22, in the year 65 million and two thousand and twenty-six after the Divine Meteoric Ascension Event. So "none" really means "everyone".

And I beheld the Raptor. As in a dream, I watched Her descend from the heavens in a shower of gold and fire. This rain of fire and gold fell on me and soaked me and I was blessed. Blessed be the golden shower of the Raptor!

I saw the Raptor stretch Her clever claws and cry Her clever screech to the skies, and go forth into the world. Going fifth would have made Her famous for scoring a tie score, but going forth made more sense.

I beheld the Raptor, as with the sickles of a reaper on Her glorious feet, sever the bonds that tie men's hearts to life. Also their livers, stomachs, lungs, and entrails.

Then the Raptor turned to me, and it seemed as if She spoke, but my ears could no longer hear, my eyes went dark, my tongue was silenced. And for a brief time I knew nothing but darkness and the fire of reptilian stomach acid. Then I knew no more.

credit to: writing.toni

Book of Featheronomy 6:11-93

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the perch. For lo, the day shall come when the skies darken and the faithful shall be lifted up—not by chariots of fire, but by a most unexpected raptor. And the people cried out, ‘Lord, deliver us from fowl temptation!’”

credit to: georgespacesout

“And behold, the Raptor came first for those who blasphemed against Her Name, and She took them in Her Talons, and prepared a place for them in the Pit of Bones, where they would know eternal anguish. Not even the green jello, nay, nor the Costco chicken, could suffice to placate the Raptor’s righteous wrath at such blasphemers.”

The Book of the Holy Raptor

credit to: nathanaedmunds

From the Book of Costco, 3:22

1. And lo, the People gathered beneath the great Fluorescent Lights, for the Hour of Samples was at hand. 2. And the Prophet of Aisle Seven lifted his voice, saying, “Fear not the raptor that descendeth by typo, for even chaos may come with a membership card.” 3. For the raptor, mighty of talon and questionable of purpose, beheld the sacred Rotisserie Chicken, golden‑skinned and $4.99 since the time before memory, and it was pleased. 4. And the People brought forth the chicken as offering, saying, “Accept this, O Jurassic Christ, for it is moist, and still warm from the Oven of Providence.” 5. And Jurassic Christ spake, “Blessed are those who share the chicken, for they shall inherit the food court tables.” 6. And the raptor, having eaten its fill, departed through automatic Warehouse Doors that part without human touch, as is the custom of miracles. 7. And the People understood that change, great or small, is best faced with a full stomach.

Thus ends my reading, and the congregation may return to bulk snacks and discounted socks, uplifted in spirit and rich in samples.

credit to: epi_lady